Feb 202014
 

Remember when you were young, like really young and you never felt like you could fall, that no one understood and everyone was strangely wrong but you never seemed right?

When staying up all night was a conquest; an event to be savoured and every night out had the tingle of adventure and never seemed like a chore? Never something you had to go do?

When dreams and aspirations were something to still be decided upon, when acting cool and worldly showed just how un-worldy wise you were. The way you carried yourself, the music you liked and the way you wore your hair defined almost who you were, when you genuinely felt Bullet-proof.

Remember then?

When the first of your friends fell and passed, you wondered how it was meant to be, that first chill of the end of things breathing on your neck made you play that little bit harder, but no fears because tomorrow is such a long way away and it will never happen to you.

Every day was an adventure, a click of the clock, marking the next time you could go out and be who you wanted to be, not who you were expected to be, shaping who you wanted to become.

Desperately trying not to fit in, to never conform and be incredibly individual while your heart screamed for you to belong.

Finding those few friends, those special ones who you never now see but will never forget. The thing is, you’re are all different now.

When you do bump into them brief flashes of who you were and wanted to be streak against what you have become and the colours almost run from you and blend.

These meetings can be bittersweet and sometimes painful, you say you will stay in touch and pass numbers but neither of you calls. You may buck the trend and meet for one night and once you have played catch up and reminisced about days gone by, you realise you are now shining a gleaming torch against who you are now, and who you were then, and the shadow will not fit with your outline now.

This ends one of two ways, happy of what you have become, or melancholy of what you could have been. I am sure there are some who dither in the middle but I always seemed to fall to the sides.

That smile the reaches the corners of your mouth and makes your eyes gleam with the fond memories of follies of time past. Even the bad things seem to glow with an almost warming hue, and now don’t seem all that bad.

In a rush everything is stirred up and the sediment of paths not taken rises up and can sometimes takes the longest of times to settle. Dreams and aspirations are forever changing, the grass was always greener and the Sun always shined brighter.

Where you are now is where you are now, if you don’t like the path you are taking, then you can always change direction.

But as time goes by it seems to get harder, more things tie you in, responsibility and commitments make it harder to turn. Some people turn and go back to where they want to go.

Some people stay on the same path and go to where they are heading, who knows if they are making the right decision, and if in actual fact either direction is where they need to go.

Almost a decade ago, I made a decision to change my direction. To make a life changing decision as did my good lady.

I feel we are both now where we should have always been. Time has changed us. Mellowed she says, matured says I. But one thing I have always stood by, still stays true to me today as it did then

Live life and enjoy, regret at your peril and always make sure to give things a chance, something’s you never manage to do again, something you may never have again. Regrets are like library book fines, small and inconsequential, but are always there at the back of the shelf, growing as time passes.

Smoking Shite French tabs because I had seen it in a film. Dressing like a B movie detective and trying to leap away from the herd. Trying to act mature and be who I thought everyone wanted me to be? Stopped doing that a long time ago. Never achieved any of it, just made a good target for the people who can only feel good by stepping on those below them.

Being loved and being who I am, that’s where I am now, but always remember tomorrow the grass will be greener and the Sun will shine brighter, where you are now is where you are now. Enjoy all that is about you. In time even the shite things today we will seem better tomorrow.

As you were.

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