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Jul 302015
 

99_probs_noboxWell this is rather exciting!

I am going to be touring my show “99 Problems And The Chips Aren’t One” at various venues this year.

But what’s the show about?

“99 problems and the way to solve them! Are there everyday problems or questions you need answered? Let Steffen Peddie, a man who has multiple problems every day, show you the way to either:

  1. Leave them all behind you
  2. Get revenge
  3. Sort them out

Whichever, it will bring some laughs along the way!

This show is guided by your Questions and Problems, so it’s a different show every time!

Bring a problem and possibly leave with a solution, or at least with a smile on your face.”

The show runs off the back of your “problems” (basically questions or suggestions or whatever you like) and then I try to answer them.

You might not get the best advice and correct answers, but it will be fun working it out!

Dates are being added as soon as they are confirmed, ticket information available on main diary on front Page

The next tour show is at The Westovian Theatre in South Shields on August 14th, hope to see you there!

 

Mar 132014
 

There is a person I know, (who really I should know better by now for the amount of time I have known them) who is a conundrum of a conversationalist.

 

It’s a strange case. She is an older lady I have daily interaction with through work. Really nice polite Mary Berry kind of lady. To describe her some would say that she is so friendly and nice that “Butter would not melt in her mouth”

 

The only drawback would be if you told her this, she would ask you where you think that phrase comes from? Then before you can answer she will wonder in you direction what the melting temperature of butter may be, followed quickly with a sucker punch of an amusing and incredibly pointless tale of her husband or grandchild involving butter. And as you lay gasping trying to spot an out she would lock the door and seal the conversation with the Bon Mott of agreeing that yes that the butter would probably  not melt, but she heard a documentary on Radio 4 and could tell you of a tribe in South America who do this as a ritual to get rid of evil spirits.

 

She is like Youtube. The most addictive time waster man has created for the weak willed. You never click on just one video do you, something always piques your interest. You may go on looking for a “Cider Refresher” Lolly Pop advert from the 1970’s to show someone, but somehow ten minutes later and you are watching someone excavate a twenty five year old blackhead with a pin, a disturbing lack of hygiene and some terribly long fingernails.

 

Maybe you take the other boxes on the suggestions and end up watching a recut trailer for Mary Poppins as a Horror film, but it ends up like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books from when you were a kid and the end of the same.

 

“Shit did I really waste all that time watching this”

 

Back to the lady in question.

 

You can keep the conversation to a bare minimum, polite greetings etc etc and you can navigate around the edges of the potential Rabbit Hole and continue on your journey as quickly as possible.

 

But this is no Rabbit Hole. Nope. This is the chat based version of the Sarlac Pit from Star Wars and its just hooked up one of those tentacles and snagged your leg and is now dragging you towards its gaping maw and inevitable doom.

 

Today’s conversation went like this.

 

Her: Hello Steffen, how’s your day going

 

Me: Oh not bad (name changed to protect the innocent)

 

Her: Personally I am having one of those rare things, a good Thursday.

 

And here is where I made my mistake. See if you can spot it.

 

Me: How are they rare?

And with that comment there was no turning back. It was full steam ahead on the crazy train of chat.

 

Her: Well, I find that only one Thursday in six is good.

 

Me: Oh.

 

Her: Yes, normally Thursdays can be terrible days, but this appears to be one of the good ones.

 

Me: Ahh, so you had your last good one five weeks ago and you are due a good one today?

 

Her: No (laughs politely at my silliness) My last good one was three weeks ago, its just one week in six I have a good Thursday.

 

At this point my inner Sheldon kicks in. “Go Go Autistic Scale Pedantry Powers”

 

Me: So that would mean that it’s every four weeks you have a good Thursday?

 

Her: No, every six.

 

Me: But mathematically the statement you have just made makes a mockery of what you have just said. For it to be every six weeks, you would have to have five bad weeks followed by the good one.

 

Pauses for breath while she stares at me with the intensity of a kitten faced with a giant ball of wool.

 

Me: Either that or you would have a six week period in which the week would fall and have the remaining weeks either side, is that what you meant?

 

Her: Yes, one in six. Today is so good I have even hung my curtains out to dry. And you know what that’s like.

 

Me: Erm…

 

Her: I hate the bad ones.

 

Me: Ahh

 

And she left this hanging like the Sword of Damocles

We both stared at each other, one puzzled and one with the most immaculate unreadable poker face imaginable.

 

The polite tension was near to unbearable. Someone had to do something. There was an obvious silence.

 

At this point an innocent bystander (in this case an IT technician who had appeared from behind a desk) unknowingly stood on the banter land mine that I was avoiding.

 

IT Bloke: What makes a bad Thursday like?

 

The lady then turned her full attention to the current fly tugging at the thread of her web.

 

Her: Well…..

 

At this point I morphed into the background, humming the tune of “Baby Monkey Riding Backwards on a Pig” to blot the rest of the noise out.

 

She is like the TV series Lost.

 

You start a conversation, it suddenly turns a bit weird, you think you still have an idea what’s going on, you even think you know how that polar bear got there. Then Boom, another twist you did not see coming and you are left bewildered and mildly angry and five years of your life has been wasted.

 

But if I was rude it would genuinely bother me and I would end up having to apologise later and would be stuck back in the same scenario later.

 

The moral of this story is, always have an expendable member of your party you can throw under the bus if need be. That or get an app for your phone that will ring when you think about it and have to answer thus avoiding sacrificing innocents nearby.

 

However if its good Chat you are after then do come to the Chat show this month on Sunday the 30th of March at The Stand Newcastle. That’s the home of good chat and that lady is barred.

 

Amen.

Feb 202014
 

Remember when you were young, like really young and you never felt like you could fall, that no one understood and everyone was strangely wrong but you never seemed right?

When staying up all night was a conquest; an event to be savoured and every night out had the tingle of adventure and never seemed like a chore? Never something you had to go do?

When dreams and aspirations were something to still be decided upon, when acting cool and worldly showed just how un-worldy wise you were. The way you carried yourself, the music you liked and the way you wore your hair defined almost who you were, when you genuinely felt Bullet-proof.

Remember then?

When the first of your friends fell and passed, you wondered how it was meant to be, that first chill of the end of things breathing on your neck made you play that little bit harder, but no fears because tomorrow is such a long way away and it will never happen to you.

Every day was an adventure, a click of the clock, marking the next time you could go out and be who you wanted to be, not who you were expected to be, shaping who you wanted to become.

Desperately trying not to fit in, to never conform and be incredibly individual while your heart screamed for you to belong.

Finding those few friends, those special ones who you never now see but will never forget. The thing is, you’re are all different now.

When you do bump into them brief flashes of who you were and wanted to be streak against what you have become and the colours almost run from you and blend.

These meetings can be bittersweet and sometimes painful, you say you will stay in touch and pass numbers but neither of you calls. You may buck the trend and meet for one night and once you have played catch up and reminisced about days gone by, you realise you are now shining a gleaming torch against who you are now, and who you were then, and the shadow will not fit with your outline now.

This ends one of two ways, happy of what you have become, or melancholy of what you could have been. I am sure there are some who dither in the middle but I always seemed to fall to the sides.

That smile the reaches the corners of your mouth and makes your eyes gleam with the fond memories of follies of time past. Even the bad things seem to glow with an almost warming hue, and now don’t seem all that bad.

In a rush everything is stirred up and the sediment of paths not taken rises up and can sometimes takes the longest of times to settle. Dreams and aspirations are forever changing, the grass was always greener and the Sun always shined brighter.

Where you are now is where you are now, if you don’t like the path you are taking, then you can always change direction.

But as time goes by it seems to get harder, more things tie you in, responsibility and commitments make it harder to turn. Some people turn and go back to where they want to go.

Some people stay on the same path and go to where they are heading, who knows if they are making the right decision, and if in actual fact either direction is where they need to go.

Almost a decade ago, I made a decision to change my direction. To make a life changing decision as did my good lady.

I feel we are both now where we should have always been. Time has changed us. Mellowed she says, matured says I. But one thing I have always stood by, still stays true to me today as it did then

Live life and enjoy, regret at your peril and always make sure to give things a chance, something’s you never manage to do again, something you may never have again. Regrets are like library book fines, small and inconsequential, but are always there at the back of the shelf, growing as time passes.

Smoking Shite French tabs because I had seen it in a film. Dressing like a B movie detective and trying to leap away from the herd. Trying to act mature and be who I thought everyone wanted me to be? Stopped doing that a long time ago. Never achieved any of it, just made a good target for the people who can only feel good by stepping on those below them.

Being loved and being who I am, that’s where I am now, but always remember tomorrow the grass will be greener and the Sun will shine brighter, where you are now is where you are now. Enjoy all that is about you. In time even the shite things today we will seem better tomorrow.

As you were.

Nov 082013
 

If you have a messy car like mine always is, then it does have its advantages rather than just being a CSI style playground for microbes and food wrappers.

I practically live in my car, and its a proper comedians car. If you were a rather slow detective you could trace my month by the food wrappers and parking tickets left in the waste spaces (or as normal people call them Passenger seats)

Once a month i have a clean out of the car, this is normally when the Mrs has had enough and informs me that its disgusting and that it needs cleaned now, and if i can not muster up a proper defence then I am honour bound to do so.

However it does have its benefits in certain occasions for collecting vital evidence to stop life form pursuing you and grinding you against the wheels of oppression.

One such incident occurred last week, as after parking at a local Hospital and paying for my parking there a few days later I receive a letter giving me a £70.00 parking fine.

Off I scurry and find the golden ticket, nestled next to a empty Pepsi Max bottle in the back of the car. I pull the aforementioned ticket and low and behold I have paid and have proof.

So i scan a copy in and reply in the politest way possible by asking them what in the name of fucking fuck do they think they are playing at, while at the same time offering them help in mastering the skill of urinating up a rope at the same time.

The reply I got was fantastic

“Dear Sir / Madam,

We refer to the Parking Charge incurred at “Steffen’s Local Hospital” car park.

On this occasion as a gesture of goodwill we will be cancelling this charge.

However, if future visits to this car park are made please take note of the parking regulations on the signage throughout the car park and adhere to these, as it is applicable to all motorists using the car park.

Kind Regards,”

Not sorry on this occasion, we made and error and apologies on our behalf.
Not “Woops! Close one mate; we will try better next time”

Nope a clear FUCK YOU, WE ARE YOUR MASTERS AND WE WILL DEFEAT YOU NEXT TIME AHHHHAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHA

Now this is clearly someone who does not want to admit defeat and try and act like they are still in charge and not in the wrong at all. But how can this be you ask, how can they feel so good about themselves that they can clearly not grasp a simple mistake by saying sorry.

Well after a quick online check on the company when you find they turned over almost 14 Million pounds last year, of which just over 4.4 Million pounds was profit, then you realize they have a large bank account filled with Fuck You money.

4.4 Million pound profit for a remote parking machine and some magic eye cameras?
I am clearly in the wrong game.

So the moral of this story is twofold.

1) Always hoard everything
2) Do not clean your car.

And that my friends is the long winded excuse with legally binding letters I will be using as an excuse when the Mrs asks me why the car is a mess again this weekend.

Pip Pip!

Aug 282013
 

In the song “Wanted: Dead or Alive” by the popular music combo Bon Jovi they proclaim the highs and lows of being a touring musician.

 

Being a comedian, you get to travel the length and breadth of the country on a weekly basis. But how similar is this to the aforementioned lifestyle of Jonathan B Jovi.

 

“Another place where the faces are so cold
I’d drive all night just to get back home”

 

Essentially he is talking about having a crap gig (Or maybe just being in Peterlee), and a lot of us do drive home through the night for various reasons (Still have a day job, need to see the family, too tight to pay for a hotel)

 

One for One

 

“Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days”

 

Again very similar, apart from his being wild party’s where he is a guest and willing participant, and our’s being Stag and Hens stopping in the same hotel unwillingly including you after two o clock in the morning even if you don’t want to.

 

And have you ever tried to sleep on a Megabus? I have and you always wake up smelling of someone else’s urine.

 

“Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink”

 

Change Bottle for McDonalds/Subway Meal Deal of the day and you have that match, Not so different eh Jonny boy.

 

“And times when you’re alone all you do is think”

 

Now this is one where the comedians win and extra point, if you go into any Green Room at a Comedy Club there is normally some ignorant git playing on a phone or tablet (normally me if I am honest,).

 

See Jon, playing Angry Birds makes you not have to think! (Those green pigs are not going to kill themselves) Score for the comedians on that one.

 

“Now I walk these streets, this six string in my hand”

 

Personally I would like to see JBJ try this around some of the places we have to play comedy gigs at. It would not be in his hand for long. In fact if you walked the streets with a microphone in yours, even in nice areas you would get either

A)    giving a good kicking

B)    Locked up

C)    Straight through to Bootcamp on X Factor

 

That settles out the thinking one, so back to even scores.
“I’ve seen a million faces (And I’ve rocked them all)”

 

Ok you get to meet lots of different people and see lots of different towns and city’s,

I don’t think I have ever rocked them. Apart from that gig I did on a canal barge and it was unintentional.

 

So plus point to the Jovester for that one. And then minus a point for bragging.

 

So not a difference, equal pegging so far until it comes to the main lyric.

 

“I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride”

 

So, he thinks he is a cowboy and drives a Motorbike that he likes to think is a steel horse.

 

I personally like to think that I drive a mobile disco and karaoke bar on wheels, and anyone who drives past me at two in the morning will probably confirm that fact.

 

However I do no think I am a cowboy.

 

That is a small and childish idea that you have to base yourself on a childhood hero who you clearly could not live up to the standards and lifestyle of.

 

Cowboy?

 

Not a chance.

 

I’m Batman.

Jun 282013
 

Monday see’s another new Chat Show at The Stand Newcastle.

These are a high point of the month for me, just good fun to do and relax and chat with some mates and people who I think are going to be great guests.

Take for example the next show on the 1st of July, we have Carl Hutchinson and Colin Briggs.

Carl is in my opinion, one of the comics to watch. He has tremendous skills as a stand up and makes me laugh even when I have seen the material for the fifteenth time. His deft use of the English language is cracking. Much like the way Ronnie Barker used to bend and twist words I honestly think that will soon measure up to that high watermark.

He is also a good mate, and will be sharing some tales and horror story’s from gigs past, which is what the audience love to hear.

Colin is the Newsreader and Anchorman for BBC Newcastle in the morning. That’s what people recognise him for. If you happened to follow him on Twitter you get to see the less serious side of him, and this is what the audience will get to see on Monday.

Mix that with a charming set from Natalie Wicks at the warm up to the show and an appearance from “The Nicest Man in Showbiz” Mr Alfie Joey and we have a full show.

Just about.

The one thing I have missed out from the line up is the audience. They are the other big part of the show. And without sounding all fake and schmaltzy, Its just a fact.

Although we have the odd heckle, we have a lovely crowd of regulars who come no matter who the guest’s are, and then we have the people who come depending on who the guests are.

Having a big name guest like The Futureheads, Jason Cook, Chris Ramsey or Sarah Millican means we sell out straight away. And the sell out shows are honestly no different from the smaller attended ones. Same amount of chat, and same amount of laughs!

The best thing about the sell outs however is that some of people who have come to see a specific guest drift over and become part of the regular crowd meaning slowly but surely we have a large number of people who come rain or shine.

What I enjoy is that no matter who we have on, the audience are part of the show as well. They get to ask the questions as well, and this is when the show really gets to be fun. When you are sitting up on stage, its easy to feel like its not a crowd, but someone else in the conversation who you are telling the tales too.

I am slowly but surely editing the shows down to be released as a podcast version. However some of the questions and answers are having to be omitted for taste and legal reasons, so if you were at those shows you still get to have that little bit more fun than future listeners will.

So if you are free on Monday then do pop along. Tickets are only £3.00

Why so cheap you ask? The reason behind is it that we want everyone who comes along to be able to afford a low cost night out. Times are tight and it means you can have a night out of fun for less than a price of a quality kebab.

Hope to see you!

Steffen

Jun 182013
 

Hello,

Thanks for popping by to the new website!

Rather shiny isn’t it. Hope you like it and a big Thank You to “Unintelligent Design” for a cracking job done. (Seriously if you need to get a site built, give them a shout.)

(Actually, on second thoughts give them an email, they respond better to emails rather than shouting.)

(Not that I have had to shout at them, just I imagine they prefer you to use the technology they are versatile in, rather than that of a common fishwife)

(Is putting a continuation of thoughts into brackets wrong? It probably is)

Anyhoo. So now that I have a new site and blog I better keep it updated.

Soooooooooo what’s happening with you?

Really?

You don’t say!

Me?

Oh well I have a couple of special gigs coming up that you might be interested in. Both are in July, the first is the closing show to the Sunderland Comedy Festival and is Jason Cook and yours truly with Andy Fury as MC.

It will get messy and be rather special as I full expect the pair to be trying to rip the piss at any opportunity.

The second is a live Recording of “That Wine Show” with Andy at Darlington Comedy Festival. This one we are going full hog at and will probably end up a bit drunk. Which as long time listeners know makes for much better listening?

If you are interested in coming to them or any other shows the Diary page is getting slowly updated and you can click and pick on the event for more details and links for tickets.

If you have any burning questions send them via the contacts page and I will be happy to answer them as best I can.

Thanks for popping by and don’t be a stranger!

Steffen